So, I’m scrolling through some of my old facebook pics, remembering when things felt okay but not quite right, and I realize the difference a year can make. Last year at this time, I was talking about how much I loved my job, how great the benefits were (as i’d never had a job WITH benefits of any kind), and all the randomness that comes with having multiple people being able to comment on your life in general at random times. After I got sick, that all changed. I no longer had the job I loved, nor the great benefits, and people couldn’t say nice things, let a lone be civil. I catch myself wondering where it all went so wrong. Is this some kind of Karmic smack down? Did I really sow all of this? Looking back, I don’t feel like the punishment fits the crime, and what crime anyway? What the fuck went so wrong? I was not and still am not a Gossip Monger, I didn’t purposely cause anyone harm to my knowledge, either directly or indirectly, so what the fuck? I didn’t wish people ill, I didn’t, I didn’t I didn’t.
I keep focusing on what I didn’t do, and not what I DID do. I worked, and that was all I did for the two, nearly three years I worked at that job. I am inexperienced in being unemployed. I’ve worked full time since the age of 16, so what the hell am I supposed to do with myself? So far, I’ve discovered I have a penchant for making jewelry, wood carving, and wood burning. I have yet to put in an actual work week, rather than just making stuff only when i feel like it, but I would like to consider this my job. The jewelry I make is with healing crystals, and I make them to spec for specific folks. Rose Quartz in silver for self love, Smokey Quartz for protection of Self, things like that. I’m trying to make the stress work for me, not against me. I’m looking at stress as if it’s my life preserver as opposed to it making my life harder. I just want to be happy in my life. To say I don’t care about money at all would be a lie; of course I would like to be comfortable and have enough to care for my daughter. Who wouldn’t? But I’m tired of focusing on it all the time. They say money is the root of all evil, but that’s a lie. Human Greed is the root of all evil, because we’re the only species it seems that is ruled by it. Either that, or society maybe is. After all, how many millions do they spend on ads Annually to tell you, you’re too poor, you’re not pretty enough, not smart enough, all around not good enough?
How much are they really making off of us and our insecurities? This is something I’ve really had to look at and dissect. I’ve had a year to adjust to my differences. Where before my pain threshold was so high I could sprain something and not know it, to having to have assistance to sit up in bed. I went from being vital, energetic, and what I thought at the time Alive, to a slow gradient that whittled away what vitality I thought I had, and the youth I so arrogantly claimed was mine. It used to be that if I hurt, I could push through and make it out the other side just fine. Now? My shoulder is ruthlessly spasming as I type, so I grit my teeth and push on. This is my only outlet for the pent up rage, anger, hurt, and sadness of the past year, and possibly further than that, and I will not relinquish it without a fight, even if that fight happens to be between my intellectual self and my physical self. Dammit. So, the more I look, the more I see the facade that I made of my life.
A cosmic smack down? Maybe. Does the Universe notice when you’re not living up to your potential? I’d like to think so, otherwise all this pain is for shit and I’m left with no hope. I have to have hope, or I have no joy whatsoever. It may be in short supply these days, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find a way to be happy. That was my only goal ever in life, just to be happy. It’s still my dream, but maybe I should find tune the details a bit eh? Maybe then the Universe can give me that fork in the road, and this time I’ll go left instead of right, and live my Destiny, whatever it may be. One thing’s for sure, I am left with little doubt as to the need for change. Not in others, but in myself. It’s time for me to dissect the inner me and find out which bits are really me, and which parts are (gag!) what people told me I needed to be. Boy, that smarts, admitting there’s a possibility that I allowed my life to be dictated to me, but there it is. It doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it, or give up, it just means there’s another way, and I’m soon going to find it. The difference a year can make.